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Pretty soon, Gazz will release a new article on the rules of Life. I don’t know strictly if he’ll call it that exactly, it’s his decision. But that’s what it’s about. Un-written laws and rules, everyone has inbuilt inside them, naturally just from living life itself. You never really think about them, you don’t have to. You just use them to get answers without even realising.
So for the next few weeks, we’re both thinking of these ‘rules’ which he can include. It’s rather difficult because as I say, you don’t know they’re there. One of the rules I recently thought of were the Tube Rules.
In fact, there turned out to be so many rules for this particular mode of transport it was like reading an Olympic Games programme article on the Decathlon. There’re more than enough of them to be able to write a whole other article. So with Gazz embroiled in his masterpiece, here I am to straighten everything out.
Now before I begin, I must make note that these are not rules for everyone. Of course, many people don’t follow any rules at all, just blindly bumble around the middle of platforms, staring at signs and maps as if it’s the latest Heat Magazine. These are MY rules, subconsciously followed and adhered to by ME.
Walking In
I’ve complained before in this very article section about hating the situation with tube gates. The idea of Red light: Wait. Orange light: Swipe. Green Light: Go, is too complicated. But that’s a peeve.
A tube station has lanes. At first this sounds stupid, ‘Lanes!?’ Until you see it for yourself. But it’s true, they’re everywhere! Steps are up and down lanes, escalators obviously have the 2, fast (walk) and slow (stand there like a lemon) lanes. This is the easy stuff. It’s in the hallways where it becomes interesting. Have you ever tried crossing between the two different Northern lines at Euston? It’s a mission. Or walking between Bank and Monument stations? It’s like a family drive! You’ve got to stock up on Werther’s Original and some bottled water.
Walking through those tunnels especially the long ones, there’re at least 3 or 4, sometimes 5 lanes to take into account. It’s the M1, only you can overtake on the inside. You can overtake anywhere! Sometimes you see people squeezing between two people in between lanes, crazy bastards!
Obviously the slowest of people generally keep to the outside. They know they’ve got slow, aching bones, and broken hips, the commuter versions of tractors. Get stuck behind one of those in a thin, single carriageway tunnel and you’re fucked. You keep popping your head out to see if there’s room to pass, before spotting a group of rugby players coming your way and retreat, sheepishly behind the old man.
I know I said this article was about the ‘rules’, but it’s in the 2 or 3 middle lanes that the action really happens. In these waters, it really seems like there are no rules at all. It’s like a Mad Max version of an Underground Station. You get people limping about slowly, oblivious to the fact that they should be in with all the other tractors. You get your Novas, trying their best to keep up with the big boys, and really acting like it until they’re overtaken by a Ferrari going twice their speed, almost knocking them into a tractor. The Ferraris are fast all right. They get themselves a nice little stretch and just gun it, but they’re crippled in any sort of traffic. Can’t manoeuvre for shit.
The one you really want to be is the Ducati. Weaving in and out of lanes like you’re crafting a picnic basket. Spinning sideways to squeeze through gaps the Ferraris daren’t even attempt. Accelerating in between gaps to get out of any trouble, always thinking 7 steps ahead, reading people to see which way they will turn before they know they have to, body language giving them away like the runt in a gang of bank robbers.
As soon as you understand the rules of the lanes in a station, the sooner you can become a Ducati.
Waiting
On the platform. Here similar lane rules apply. There’s the outside (right up against the wall and sat down on those benches. This is for people who either have no clue which exit they need to go out from, people who are just waiting around for someone, or people considering at which end of the platform to stand. All people who are unsure about their platform needs go here to work it out.
The inside lane is just behind the yellow line for people waiting for their train. They’ve taken their time in the outside, carefully considered which station they’re getting off at and weighed in how busy the train will be at certain ends, along with current congestion in the inside. Then take a breath, as they cross over the two central lanes like a poorly computer animated frog.
The two afore-mentioned middle lanes are strictly only for travel. Moving in opposite directions to disperse traffic either end. Overtaking is allowed, however with careful consideration. The most important thing about platform mid-lane travel is to keep your speed up. You mustn’t slow down at any stage, if you’re considering getting off into the inside, consider it well before arriving at the destination. You don’t want to be lingering around in the middle, wondering if that point is really the best you can get, you’ll hold everyone up and cause jams all the way back to the stairs.
Sitting down
It’s important to know the spot you’re getting on at. If it’s a regular journey, say one to or from work or a friend’s house something like that, then you’ll get to know the best place to get on. If it’s a long trip, you’ll want to get a seat. This means learning the location of one of two things. You’ll either need to find the carriage with less seats already filled (perhaps somewhere far from the entrance at the last few stations), but then of course you have to remember that as well as no one getting on, less people will have got off at the last few stations as well.
My favourite, is to go for the carriage closest to the exit of the station you’re in. Depending on the popularity of the station, this is where the majority of the people will be getting off. Thus there’re new seats. Even if there’re still more people in the carriage than seats, sometimes you can sneak one in the general melee and confusion.
Of course when sitting, you should get up and offer your seat to any elderly, disabled or pregnant people. Be careful with this, if you misjudge an age, or worse pregnancy, you’ll wish you never sat down in the first place. In order to accept the responsibility of the seat, you need to judge this well.
If you haven’t managed to secure a seat, I find it best to stand in the middle of the two rows. There’s generally a lot more space around head and waist height, and room to manoeuvre or get out a book/paper if you like. This depends on how comfortable you are with 5 or so people staring at your crotch at any one time. This is a prime spot if you plan to secure any seats left by exiting commuters. Again, the situation takes consideration. Once a seat in front of you becomes available, you can’t just go for it, and take the weight off, God no!
You may ask why, think you deserve it, you’ve been stood for your share of time, you might have bags… but what about when you look up just after hitting the seat, and see an elderly woman having moved into your spot WITH a shopping bag, clutching onto the pole for the rest of her dear life, giving you shit eye? No no… before sitting, you’ve got to take a look around, if there’s any Priority A cases (Elderly, Disabled, Pregnancies) in the area, save it for them, and ask if they’d like to sit. Then – and this is a judgement call depending on your sex, and mood – I generally like to offer the seat to any ladies in the area. Some may say this is sexist, but I prefer gentlemanly, in that situation you could either be sexist or rude, so you could lose either way.
Getting off
A small and obvious rule, as people getting on are asked and expected to wait for people to get off before they get on, you’ve got to be quite nippy when departing. This can be rather difficult when the train’s packed, especially if it’s at a small station where no one’s getting off. You have to push your way through to get to the doors, and once there, just hope whoever’s first to step up has seen you trying to get out, and waited for you. Similarly when getting on, no one might be departing yet, but you’ve got to look out for any movement inside the carriage for signs of someone trying to get off. If you don’t see anything, step up, then see an old man come out of the woodwork to depart it can be a pretty awkward situation, no room behind, people already following you on, the guy behind’s got one foot and all his weight on the step. The old guy can’t go back, he needs to get out. The only thing is that he squeezes past, breaking a few bones in the process.
In fact, once whilst trying to get off, a mid-to-elderly woman was still pushing her way on. She sees me, and continues to push me back! This isn’t right. She’s a mid-age girl and I’m… not. Does she think I’ll just move to the side, allow her and the rest behind her to jump in front of me, then not get out before the doors shut? Well if she did think that, she didn’t think it through clearly. I armed her into the side, out of my way and stepped off. Probably left her scorning the young, and their lack of respect for the elderly. I have respect for elderly. I have respect for everyone. Apart from cheeky women (or men) who think they can get what they want because no one will stop them.
But that’s it.
These are not necessarily rules to follow. They are simply MY rules which I naturally follow as a matter of course. You will have your own rules, and they will probably be different even if similar to these. Everyone should consider, and come to terms with their own rules. It makes the whole process of anything with rules, much simpler and stress-free.
The Rules of the Tube – Brought to you by James Wormald -