There is a term, coined by the Conservative Party, often used by people so incredibly idiotic, that they not only read The Daily Mail, but also write in to it. But in reality I’m unsure these people even have the ability to calmly pick up a pen, or turn on a computer, they seem to be in such a constant state of grievance with everyone and thing either not born in the UK, or not looking like they’re born in the UK, or simply a member of the government… in the UK.

These WAG wannabe, WAG-hating, hypocritical bastards love nothing more than to complain in the worst way possible. Not in the middle of joking banter in a pub, or in front of a TV screen (in a pub). But whilst sitting in bed, on a Sunday morning, with a teapot by their side, and the face of a turtle’s arse, brought on by the shit-covered wank-rag held out in front of them.

That term, I now realise I haven’t actually referred to yet, is ‘Nanny State’. Eugh. It makes me feel dirtier than an MP’s mistress just thinking about using it for its intended purpose. It is used to describe the input of Government action, force, or sometimes even simply opinion into a situation where it is perceivably unwanted or uncalled for.

CCTV? Nanny State.

DNA database? Nanny State.

I.D. Cards? Nanny State.

Criminal Satellite Navigation? Nanny State.

Fingerprints? Nanny State.

These are all the proper examples I can think of without making any jokes. It seems from the list, that the Nanny State, is a pretty good thing. All these things make it harder to get away with committing crimes, harder to get away with it afterwards, and should generally reduce the amount of crime, and general badness in the country – especially major cities. So why are these bad things? Some people claim their private lives should be private. So what legal activity, performed in front of a CCTV camera, would they want to keep strictly private? Attending a sex-shop maybe?

So someone sees you go into sex shop? So fucking what? You’re allowed to, everyone agrees nowadays, it’s fine. The person at the other end of the firewire is NOT Mrs. Jenkins from 67. Your friends, family, neighbours, and co-workers will NOT know that you like to visit ‘Big Joe’s Family Gay Love Emporium’ on the weekends (unless you work for the security company watching the CCTV). However the murderer seen knifing a young teenager in the side alley next to the shop, will be caught, and we can all live in a safer world.

Who the fuck cares about their private life being seen? We’re not all on Big Brother, our lives being screened to millions*, leaving us subjects of public humiliation and ridicule.

Another subject the ‘Nanny State’ have had a hand in is the, somewhat recent Smoking Ban. It’s been going for two and a half years now, and is still receiving as much shtick as the day it was first conceived. Let’s forget for a second that smoking is bad for you. OK? It causes many many different diseases and conditions, and health problems yes. But let’s forget about that. Let’s also forget that the Smoking Ban has been introduced by the Government. The Government who also spend lots and lots of money (billions of pounds – no joke) treating these smoking related diseases and conditions every year. Therefore we can forget the fact that the Government might have some kind of vested interest in the subject. Let’s forget that in this case, the Government enforcing the smoking ban is like me asking a robber to stop robbing my house because it was bad form, then calling the police. The usual argument of ‘Stop telling me what to do.’ is like the robber turning to me (in my house) and saying ‘Stop telling me what to do’, whilst dropkicking a priceless family antique vase through my guest bedroom window.

So we’re forgetting all of this. We’re going with the argument that smokers aren’t harming anyone (apart from themselves, the NHS, the Government, and the average UK taxpayer). Fair guff. You wanna smoke – you smoke… who does it harm? Not like you’re blowing the second hand smoke into an old man’s catheter eh?

Um… I hate to be the one tell you this, but yes. Yes it is. If I were in a pub for a couple of pints before the smoking ban, then the place would stink of smoke. I might not really notice it as cigarette smoke at first, because the mix of that, sticky spilled ale, sawdust drying vomit, and sound system anonymising methane, would all contribute to the ‘pub smell’. I would still exit stinking of it, my clothes would stink, my house would stink, all up until I washed and cleaned them respectively. And that’s just for a few hours. If I were working in the pub, I’d be there for 8 straight hours, in plumes of smoke, causing constant damage to my health. Is that my choice? Is that the choice of the unborn baby inside the woman just dropping in for a lemonade on Sunday afternoon?

I do not care if you kill yourself smoking. I do not care if you smoke 40 a day until you’re 80 and die from parachute failure. I do not care that your fingernails and teeth are as yellow as a popular cartoon character. I do not care that your skin and hair has a smell that can’t be scrubbed out, or that all of your clothes will never again have the ‘Spring Fresh’ fragrance promised by Lenor. I don’t give a fuck. I care about me. I care about my health, about my smell, and my breath. I care about the health and smell and breath of my friends and loved ones (the non-smokers).

You say Nanny State, I say so what? If a Nanny is what you need to stop murdering innocent people (or just making them smell bad), then so be it.

* ahem... Millions? Fuck off Endemol!

Thank You For Not Smoking - Brought to you by James Wormald -