Articles
I’m a tortured soul true enough. Like anyone else, almost everything annoys me. But like any other Briton, I keep it to myself, lest (God forbid) I myself become the very focus of another person’s hatred. Without a doubt, I already am the focus of many people’s hatred 6 or 7 times a day, and that’s me being egotistical, but I don’t want to know that! I, like everyone else am much happier enjoying my blind ignorance, flitting around, skipping down the road, farting in people’s drinks and pretending it’s champagne.
One of the regular articles from the old Leeds Me Up website, was the anger-induced ‘Things I Hate’ series. The things we hated ranged from TV, our university, students, people, basically just our lives. I’d say I’ve mellowed out a lot since those times. Throughout the past two months of London Me Up floating on the airwaves like an airship (ready to come crashing down in smoky flames at any moment), I’ve been writing articles mainly on whatever thoughts were passing through my head that week, be them interesting or not (as I’m sure you can vouch). And this is the first week I’ve managed to collate enough bad thoughts to produce anything that amounts to a full and complete article.
In the heady heights of 2005, I fitted into the ‘Angry Young Man’ profile more snugly than Lisa Riley’s size 6 spandex shorts, I was banging on about the ‘Things I hate’ so often a few of them had to be held back should anyone suspect I might pull a Columbine. Nowadays however, it’s very different; I have to wait for two months, saving my most minor peeves, (as they come to me) just to be able to fill 1,000 words.
Here are those thousand words and the things they relate to.
Tube Gates
It’s not the actual tube gates I despise... I apologise if you’re the inventor / manufacturer / marketer (or the wife/children/dog of any of those) of the gates, and became so horrified and distraught with my initial statement that before you realised you couldn’t read on, you found yourself vomiting into an increasing puddle of yellow bile-filled mess. It’s the people who use them.
I have no beef with anything ‘day-card’ holders do. Most of them are too idiotic to be able to get an Oyster Card yes, but some are just tourists, day-trippers. They don’t know how the system works, that’s understandable. It’s fine, you take a few extra seconds to work out how the whole magic process works. It’s pleasant enough just to watch you. Like watching a dog try to get its nose out of a paper bag. No. It’s strictly the people who do own Oyster Cards I can’t abide. They’ve been using the tube for long enough to have a card, they have no excuse for being so incredulously ignorant that they don’t bother to learn the rules.
You know the people… They stand in front of the gate, holding everyone else up for 5 minutes, bottlenecking the station, waiting for the damn doors to close. Why must they close before you can go near them? It’s not a village corner shop, and you’re not an 8 year-old schoolchild, it’s not one at a time. The orange light is on… Orange is good! It’s at least a damn site better than red, yet as soon as red shows up, you dive for the pad like you’re reaching for the fucking One Ring!
Even worse than that are the people who know exactly how and when to swipe. Compared to the other apes, they’re evolved to the point of telepathy. However still can’t work out that after they’ve swiped, and the doors have opened, that’s when they’re supposed to go through the gate. Instead they just stand where they are, still forcing their card onto the reader. The gate’s already open, what the fuck are they waiting for? A compliment? Free sweets? A hand to pop out from the reader and feed them peeled grapes? Hopefully it’ll turn out they’re all looking for a smack in the back of the head, as that’s what the next person doing that in front of me will get.
Mobile Phones
Again, it’s not the actual phones I have a problem with. They’re a brilliant invention. Being able to speak to anyone, at any time, anywhere in the world? Truly the stuff of absolute, distant Sci-Fi future, not even 50 years ago. Put Da Vinci, Nostradamus and Philip K Dick in a locked room with an endless supply of coffee, whilst force-feeding them brie before bed and they wouldn’t come up with that!
No. It’s not the technology, it’s what it breeds. Here’s a bold and intriguing statement – The mobile telephone has assassinated punctuality. Say you’re meeting someone; you’ve arranged it and everything. You’ve got a place, a time, perhaps even a date if it’s arranged early enough. Let’s say (simply for argument’s sake) you get there bang on time. How long would you expect to have to wait? 5 minutes? 15 minutes? 2 hours? This is all fine of course. Who really gives a toss if they have to wait for 2 hours in the pouring rain, middle of winter outside a pub with a tramp looking pityingly at them? Worse still you get out of the rain, actually go into the meeting place, and have to endure more pitying looks from people assuming you’re waiting for a blind date who will never arrive. Whichever way you look at it, you’re waiting for someone. Someone who’s stood you up; you’re cold, wet, and miserable.
But this is all fine. Who cares? So long as your no-show friend has their phone on them, they can send a quick text explaining the situation. Sorts it right-out. Does it? I still go up against a wall of pity, falling into a 20ft grave of self-hatred whilst all I get from you is a text:
“Running a bit late, won’t be long. x”
Well that’s a lie right there! If you weren’t going to be long you’d be here already! It doesn’t even explain the situation. No apology! For all I know you’re probably still at home, polishing off the chocolates whilst you catch the end of the Big Brother Wednesday night show you (for some reason) can not miss.
What happened 10-15 years ago, when no one had mobile phones? Judging by today’s standards you’d expect no one to be able to meet anyone anywhere. No one had any friends, there were no dates; job interviews? What? We must have lived our lives, as lonely, child-less, job-less freaks! This revelation makes the humble mobile an even greater invention.
But no, wait. I remember 15 years ago (vaguely) I’m pretty certain that wasn’t the case. So how was anyone able to meet? If you’re 5 minutes late, without knowing where you are or how long you might be, surely your friend would just go home? People just managed to be on time. It’s not really that difficult if you think about it.
Without the ability to give an excuse, then say, “I told you I’d be late, why didn’t you wait?” Everyone would be on time. And ‘Oh what a wonderful world that would be.’
Things I Hate: Tube Gates / Mobile Phones – Brought to you by James Wormald –