I can almost guarantee that you have not heard of this movie. It stars Jonathan Taylor Thomas [the voice of Pinocchio in that CG movie and also one of Tim Allen’s kids in Home Improvement] and also a young Jessica Biel. This is my absolute favourite Christmas film. It’s got everything a festive picture should have. It’s better than Jingle All The Way, Miracle on 34th Street... Die Hard.

That’s right. Obviously I don’t think I’ll Be Home For Christmas starring Jonathan Taylor Thomas is a better movie than Die Hard, but as a Christmas film in its own right it is far superior.

The movie concerns Jake [played by JTT] who’s a sort of Zach Morris/Ferris Bueller type. The preppy looking, fast talking, schemer that America seems to gravitate to. It seems young Jake is in High School... or college... it’s difficult to tell... all the way over in California. He’s avoided going home [the stereotypical ‘Back East’] because his Mum has died and his Father married someone else under a year later. This new woman isn’t horrible or nothing, but Jake’s not keen so he gets his nerdy side-kick friend to change his ticket BACK EAST into 2 tickets to Cabo San Lucas for him and his missus [Jessica Biel, see here before the horrors of Blade Trinity and Stealth].

So he tells Gary Cole [from Office Space, who is playing his Dad in this one] that he’s probably not gonna make it back... EAST... however Jessica Biel is pissed off with him for being so insensitive and she throws a shit fit. Jake gets on the blower with Gary Cole again, but this time Gary is prepared. He tells young JTT that if he can be sitting at the family table by dinner time on Christmas Eve, then he will get ‘THE PORSCHE’.

You notice how there’s always a ‘The Porsche’ in these kinds of movies? Ferris Bueller had ‘The Ferrari’ but it’s the same principal. The Porsche serves as a maguffin to get Jake TT back home again, and he gets nerdy sidekick to change his tickets once more, this time into 2 tickets BAAAAAACK EEEEAAAAAST! The plan being to get his missus back on side with a seemingly selfless gesture, as well as win THE PORSCHE. Sadly it’s at this point that a previous scheme comes back to kick him in the bags and Jake is kidnapped by some jocks [The Murph-Man, The Ken-Man and The Brent-Man] and his love rival Eddie, who unhelpfully pitches his ass into the desert with a Santa suit on and beard glued to his face.

And this is how the movie begins! Jake must now find his way BACK EAST before 6pm on Christmas Eve with no money and no idea where he is, using only his Zack Morris powers to get him there. To you this might sound shit, but to me it’s fucking wonderful. This movie has it all! The character who is initially selfish and doesn’t believe in the true meaning of Christmas [in this case the true meaning is ‘Be With Your Family’, but sometimes it’s ‘Stop Burglars’ or ‘Dress As Turbo-Man’], it’s got adversity in the form of the kidnapping and then Eddie driving Jake’s lady BACK EAST! The ticking clock device is a classic, and one I always enjoy, plus there’s just a dick load of festive laughs to be had.

The Santa Claus fun run, an old lady who’s teeth fall out, being hit by a van... how’s that not amazing?!

Obviously you know what happens in the end of this film without even needing to see it, but that’s what makes any Christmas movie, and this one in particular, so special. You know that inevitably the main character will learn the error of their ways and come to appreciate Christmas/Dressing up as Turbo-Man, but it’s the journey they take in order to get there that’s compelling and joyous.

For this reason I love Christmas movies, and I’ll Be Home For Christmas starring Jonathan Taylor Thomas is hands down my favourite.