I am a professional. And professionals are responsible enough to act accordingly, especially in difficult situations. Take Jonathon Ross for example. When his head isn’t buried so deep into the corner flag of whichever superceleb he’s convinced on to his show (through promises of interaction with their corner flag), it might be on the radio, spewing hateful, bullying words down a phone line to a beloved English actor. But when it isn’t doing that either, it’s sat nicely atop the rest of his body, behind a desk, innocently talking about films. The forced professionalism comes because his mrs. writes films for a living. Big ones. She’s did Stardust a few years ago, and more recently Kick-Ass. What does JR do, when he has to review one? Does it sugarcoat it in meaningless Paul Ross type DVD quotes? Does he tell the truth? Or does he do both? I don’t watch Film 2010 because I don’t have television, so I wouldn’t know. But there’s definitely a conflict of interest. Which is why I’m being forced to review this week’s biggest release.

And what is the week’s biggest release? Avatar? That’s only just come out, available on DVD and Blu-Ray from ‘since I saw it in TESCO’. Sherlock Holmes? The Girlfriend Experience? I’ve seen both of those, so I wouldn’t even need to waste any time watching them... It would mostly be a waste of time. Nope, it is in fact none of these. It is of course, the long long long awaited DVD release of Jesus F. Trotsky Presents... The Greatest Film Never Made. Some might say I too am biased as I feature myself feature in the film for an entire, 1 enthralling scene. Well, not so haters. Because I can tell you hear an now that I’m rubbish.

I spend my entire big screen debut, fumbling through my lines, and grinning like the twat that caught the cheese into the camera. Not my best form. Neither, I’m sure, is it Martin Logan (Absentee)’s premier performance either. He is featured, as sidekick to Jesus during almost every cringing minute of the first half of the film. His performance is equally as fake and as wooden as an MFI showroom. Not only that, but he seems so innately boring, just sitting through the thing feels like looking at an out of focus photograph of a roller coaster. The story’s solid, writing’s good, but the guy just sucks all life from every scene. This guy makes Eddie Rex look like Sidney Poitier.

Speaking of Eddie ‘E-Rex’ Rex, the man is unbelievable. In a good way. You could watch this thing a thousand times, and still not understand how one character can act so cartoon-like, yet still seem so real. I’ve only met Rex once (on-set), when he was in character. So I can’t confirm if this is the real Rex, or his own take on the JFT character. Whatever he is, I can see why Nick and Gazz talk of him so biblically. He’s an instant legend.

If you’re brave enough to sit through the first half of the film (the first time I was at the premiere, with the Director sat behind me, and the second time involved alcohol, so don’t underestimate the feat), think yourself lucky. Because from the half way point (about 43 minutes in), it starts to get much better. For this, there are a few obvious reasons.

1)  Marcus the Scritpwriter (Logan) leaves, and is never to be seen, heard of, or talked about again. This information might be seen as a ‘spoiler’ but after 5 minutes, you’ll think of it as a golden light at    the  end of a tunnel full of rapists.

2)  With the exit of Marcus, there is room for another sidekick to rise next to the medical experiment of a man, Jesus. That is Derren Vision (Gazz Wood).

I don’t know why Nick keeps on casting Gazz in all his films. He’s shit. I can only imagine it’s due to a constant actor shortage, meaning it’s always either Gazz or Ralf Little. I’m usually Gazz’ harshest critic (and I won’t write this review any different just because it’s on the interweb), he looks into the camera, he grins like a hand puppet after every line (as he’s trying not to laugh), he delivers everything with an uncomfortable squint, and knowledge that he’s going to laugh, and he reads lines instead of acting them (like anyone who isn’t a real actor – and plenty who are [Orlando Bloom I’m looking at you – sadly]). But I can completely honestly, and painfully (I’d rather use my face as a snow plough) say, Gazz is the best thing in it. Brrrrrr... Eugh.