Reviews
“We called it that because we wanted it to appeal to the biggest number of people as possible.” – James Corden.
This is a blatant, blatant lie.
For starters, this wasn’t James Corden (or Matthew Horne’s) film. I’m certain if anyone was ever born stupid enough to let these two write a film, it may just cause the Universe to implode. Don’t get me wrong, I like them as comedy pairing, I loved Gavin & Stacey (which was written by Corden and Ruth Jones). But the result of the pair’s (Corden & Horne) first attempt at writing together was in the creatively titled Horne & Corden sketch show, which was for want of a better word, crap.
No. The film’s title was not an intellectual statement about the cinema-going public intended to excite the proles whilst humouring the elite. It was solely to excite the proles, filmmakers included. The reason it’s called Lesbian Vampire Killers as I imagine to be spoken by the writers/director is ‘It’s got loads of hot lessers getting of with each other, and Vampires biting everyone and loads of cool shit like that. And it’s got loads of tits. Plenty of tit.’ It’s like they got a teenage boy, crossed with an unintelligent monkey, bred with Quentin Tarantino’s clone to direct!
Fair enough, if your mind is closed enough for you to hear the three words Lesbian. Vampire. And Killers in the title and you think ‘Brilliant! A film with Vampires killing people, and they’re LESBIANS too! Then you’re in luck. This isn’t a film; it’s an issue of Zoo Magazine plastered onto the screen. When the DVD is released on Monday 3rd August, I expect it to include a pack of tissues and a motion alarm to watch out for your mum coming up the stairs with a cup of tea. Full of needless Boob-bounce-enhancing super-sexy-slo-mo shots. Women groaning and moaning in the shower (we accept it in shampoo ads, but that’s where it should stay). Even more slo-motion of sexy vampires throating each other in a weirdly porn-like manner. The only good part of this is James Corden’s role as the sex-mad young British holidaymaker. Say what you like about Corden’s writing (which I just have done) but he does play that one role very well.
Actually if you look at the facts, Corden’s writing could be pretty good. Like I say, he co-wrote the award winning Gavin & Stacey with Ruth Jones, then Horne seemingly chucked toys and screamed he wanted to be involved in the process. So like having to invite your mate’s younger brother to play football because his mum made you, Corden let him. And he ballsed everything up.
This is another reason the film just doesn’t work. The two are a comedy duo. Corden is quite clearly the ‘loony friend’, the sidekick to the main character, only really serving to move the story on and offer occasional exposition. Which means Horne has the main character. One problem with that: Horne is not a main character. He simply does not have the acting ability, the personality, or the on-screen charisma for it. In a film about sexy vampires killing everyone, a love interest, and the entire world to save, he constantly looks like he’s wondering what kind of sandwiches catering will have for that day.
Yes, there a few funny moments, as there always will be with the pair, and yes, you’ll laugh out loud. But you’ll hate yourself for it.
In short, if you’re 15 years old, can’t buy porn and don’t know how to delete your mum’s internet history properly, then get this film, and always watch it alone when no one else is in the house. If you’re not all those things, then just buy/download proper porn like everyone else, and re-watch Gavin & Stacey.
Lesbian Vampire Killers - Brought to you by James Wormald -